Adolescent Development

What if you come back at Christmas and we saw each other? I can't help but wonder what it would feel like seeing you again after a year. I'm so tempted to meet up with you but it's only a small temptation because I've met someone that really is special. Saying that, I probably wouldn't be able to sleep the night before we were to meet. I wonder if you ever think about me in passing the same I do about you...I'd like to think you still think about me and that you haven't forgotten the time we spent together. Hmm...oh well I guess I'll never know.

I got my laptop back. Brand new motherboard and hard drive. It's like a new laptop almost apart from the exterior. It works brilliantly and nothing lags, nothing freezes and I have DRM licences now. Free music at my disposal. A lot of money though, £225. I am very poor atm but I'm quite good at not spending when I'm this in debt. I get paid this week so that'll help plus with the G4S money on 15th will also ease things. I can't afford to buy Christmas presents though. Well, maybe a small one for Nash. My parents' birthdays are in December as well which is annoying. Meh, cross that bridge when the time comes.

I can't seem to get started on finishing off my film diaries. I need to put in quotes and do 2 more, well 3 once I've watched the film on Tuesday. They are just so tedious. At least the majority of it is done. I'll be glad once it's handed in. I can then get started on planning my essays. I'm worried about seeing my tutor on Tuesday as I have no idea what to say to her and I have no idea what to do my essay on. Nothing much has interested me at all on this course. I think I might do it on Surrealism as this at least interests me somewhat compared with the mind numbing avant-garde nonsense I've been subjected to this term.

I need a sexy haircut.

Does Love exist? I use a capital L because I'm talking about the supposed all-encompassing Love, the Love that overcomes any trouble, any strife and hardship, the kind of Love that is unconditional. Does this Love even exist? Is anyone ever In Love with someone else? I've started to think that Love does not exist. It is merely something we say because we feel we ought to. Love is not real and no one can care that deeply for someone. In the end it is always about oneself and that is not because we don't care about others, it's simply because we must put ourselves first in order to survive. Humans are the only species that 'marry' or have this idea of being with each other forever. No one can surely be happy with one person forever. People change. People will never stay the same and unless you both grow in the same direction how can you grow together? I've enjoyed someone's company but does this mean I have loved them? I don't know...I don't think so. How can you possibly Love someone? You can't. You just can't. One or both of you will end up hurting the other. Who is to say you won't meet someone that sets your heart on fire but because you're meant to be with someone else you sacrifice that happiness? Why does someone think they have the right to ask me not to kiss someone else? Shouldn't two people be allowed to do what they want and see who they want? The idea of monogamy is interesting. I used to believe that you should stay with someone and that was that. Now I am of the opinion that if I want or indeed my partner wants to see someone else that's fine, it's just that I don't actually want to. At the moment I don't actually want to touch anyone else, I don't want to be touched by anyone other than Nash. This is a strange feeling.

I'm picking holes in our relationship. I always do this. I start getting freaked out that things aren't 'working out' and start bringing it all to pieces. I get worried that he doesn't want to be with me and that he'll leave me so I push him away because when he eventually does leave it won't hurt and it won't matter. I don't get any romance from him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the most romantic person on Earth but still...for instance I texted him last night saying 'goodnight, i wish you were here' and all I get in return is 'good luck with the essay. only a small fish.' Is it that much to ask for something nice in return? We were talking last time he was down and I was saying how only my Dad had given me flowers in the past and when I questioned him if he'd ever get me flowers he responded 'good luck.' My heart sank. This boy is never going to give me what I need. Some reassurance. I can already feel it slipping from my fingers. I don't want to lose him. He's funny and he's sweet in his own way. I like doing things for him and when he comes to visit I'm so happy. I just wish that the only affection he showed me wasn't when we turn off the light. I told him this and he said sorry. The next day he didn't shy away from my affections so much. It felt like progress. I don't think it helps that I was in a massive relationship and he's never had that. I expect too much I think.

( Personal. )

I am writing an essay on Miyazaki and to what extent he can be called the 'Disney of Japan.' I find the whole 'Disney' thing and what comes with that one word very interesting. Disney is not what I thought it was. The fact that his surname is now a brand name is something I'd never contemplated before. Most of us say I love Disney, not I love Disney's films. It is interesting that his surname is an umbrella for not only films but anything and everything his corporation has touched. My research has also bought up the question of innocence. When watching beloved Disney films now I can't help but feel a little dejected when the credits role. They are not how I remember them. They are shorter, themes are not explored thoroughly and the female characters are transparent. I grew up on these films and would repeatedly watch them nearly everyday. I remember having a cassette tape of the Aladdin songs which I would play everyday and never get bored of. I wanted to be Princess Jasmine so much. Maybe this is where the preoccupation of looking perfect comes from. Children do not look at magazines they look at animation. Animated women are normally grotesque caricatures of femininity. From such an early age little girls are looking at these role models and look up to them; wanting to be them and win the Prince's heart. As they grow older and innocence starts to fade from lack of affection or failure; questions are asked as to why the world around them is not perfect like their role models. 'Mummy, maybe if I looked like Belle then I'd live happily ever after?' This sentiment, ten years later, is repeated in a mirror 'maybe if I looked like Cheryl Cole then I'd live happily ever after?'

You are beautiful and real; that is what makes it all the more lovely. The smile that creeps into my lips and spreads up through my face and flutters in my eyes is because of you and the words you say to me. There is not one thing that is wrong with you, there is not one thing that I would change about you. The insecurities that surround your soul and bloom every so often is endearing and places us both firmly in reality and that this is something that, together, will work. I believe you when you tell me you won't hurt me and I believe you when you tell me that this is like nothing before. I am feeling myself letting you in and I am feeling that this was what I was waiting for. When I do things for you it's because I care and I want you to be looked after. The smile I get in reward is worth it every time. Stay by my side and I will help you get through things. Put your hand in my hand, clasp it tightly, I will not ever let go and I will keep you treading water at the very least. I am falling for you and I am enjoying how it's progressing. It's slow and it's tentative. The more time we spend together only allows the shyness to fade away. Comfort and security around one another is growing. When I am with you I am happy. I never feel the same when you are not around.

This week has been awful. This week has been long and stressful to say the least. I've felt on the verge of tears nearly everyday and somewhat lost. 3rd year is already really hard with a lot of work. I'm really regretting taking Alt Cinemas as well. It's just so pretentious and difficult. The readings are all philosophical and I can't concentrate on them let alone understand half of what is written. I'm hoping it'll get easier as I go on. Animation is good though. Looks interesting and a lot easier. The tutor is really cool and seems like a genuinely nice guy. 

I'm tempted to have a shower and go clothes shopping. I really can't afford it though. I've spent over £100 this week on my tooth, travel and course readers oh and some food. 

Well I just had a shower and yes, I am going to go clothes shopping. Also I'm going to get some Mikado as I'm totally addicted to them. I've lost weight as well which is a good thing. Not a lot but a noticable few pounds. My small small jeans are still really tight though. I think it's that they're different denim. Hmm, now I can't be bothered. I NEED to clean my room. It's disgusting.

I'll make some breakfast and decide. 

Mum and Dad have gone to the Lake District for a week today. Sounds like the worst holiday in the world. They've spent hundreds on walking gear and I doubt they'll ever use the stuff again. It's going to be cold, rainy and windy. Why would anyone spend money on that? The cottage they're staying in is lovely though. 

I think that we're fizzling out. The distance thing isn't working. He doesn't contact me either. I haven't had a txt msg for a few days. I guess he is really tired and has only just finished a gruelling two weeks of night shifts. I'm too shy to call him. I always think that with boys I like. I never ever call them. I txt them fine but I think it's because if I call them then I can feel the rejection instantly. Meh. I really really wanted this to work for me :'(

First week back at uni...I chipped my tooth. I'm so depressed about it. I'm going to the dentist tomorrow and I'm really scared that they won't be able to fix it. I need them to sort it out. It's not that much of the tooth if I'm honest, probably about a fifth but that's a lot considering it's one of the front teeth. This is not what I wanted. I also lost my purse which means I'm having to get money out of the branch all the time. I have no student card either so I can't get into the library which is annoying when I want to read on campus. I've also ruined my teeth just as me and Nash get together properly. He's not going to want to be with someone who has broken teeth. Especially when he's obsessed with his own teeth. Bah.

It was Madhuri's surprise party last night. I just wasn't in the mood if I'm honest. It was really nice seeing her so happy. I miss her. I'm so jealous of her though (in a good way). I don't hate her for it and I'm not bitchy towards her at all. She's just a lovely person. So thin as well. When I saw her and Nick together I felt this pang of emotional pain that really hurt. I used to feel it when I missed Tom. I haven't had that feeling in a long while. This is exactly what I didn't want to deal with again. He's amazing and I love the time we spend together but...it's going to be hard all over again. I desperately want to be with him. I miss him so much and it's the first time I've ever felt...it's hard to explain but there's a butterfly feeling 3 seconds after we start kissing and I have to break away because it's almost to much to handle.

The nurse gave me antibiotics just in case i have an STI. I burst into tears when she said I had to tell Tom and Nash. There is no way I'm telling them. I'm going to wait after the test results. I might not see Nash for a while so at least I'll know the results before I see him. If I do have it and then have to tell Tom I'll be devastated. It will be the worst conversation in my whole life. At least Nash can just break if off with me and I won't have to see him again. I want him here. I just want a hug from him. I don't though because I can't bare the thought of him seeing me with this stupid tooth.

Oh wells...we'll just have to wait until tomorrow to see what they can do. I'm reeeeeeeally hoping they can just sort it there and then or at the latest on Friday afternoon.

I have also stopped drinking for the forseeable future. I mean it this time. My self-esteem is shot atm. We were watching Gok Wan earlier and they said how could anyone look in the mirror and hate themselves, how could anyone just cry in front of a mirror? Two weeks ago I stood in front of a mirror and sobbed.

This week has started off brilliantly! 

Pretty much together with Nash. Got a job at CyberCandy and having my hair sorted tomorrow. This is fantastic. I also got my Animation reading list through and looks like a fun term lol. I can't believe what films I've got to watch, honestly. 

Seeing Tom for a catch up meal tomorrow before I go to Brighton. Hopefully it'll go well. He said it was hard being friends because of our past and my new relationship. I had no idea he felt this way. I'm so self-absorbed I really am. Might also be seeing Jasmine on Friday, I hope so because I've missed her. Madhuri should come along as well. I can't wait to see everyone again I've missed them lots.

Booked a ticket to go on Saturday. Only £2, fantastic! I can't believe all the money I've wasted. Michael Mcintyre next week which should be jokes. 

Brand New's Daisy is amazing. I instantly loved the first track. They are my favourite band. I want a poster of the album front cover as well. In fact I want each of their albums put onto a small canvas and put them up in my room. There's a place in Brighton that does this; I may inquire.

Basically I'm crazy happy because Nash is mine. I am so happy with him.

This is quite an interesting question for me to answer. My Dad cheated on my Mum 7 years ago (not sure how far the affair went, he proclaims only a kiss but now I'm older I highly doubt that) and I cheated on Tom. Numerous times. 

I think men and women are exactly the same when it comes to cheating. Sometimes, depending on the situation, it doesn't matter if they're caught or not; maybe they're in a dead end relationship and want out, maybe they're self-destructive or maybe they just need the attention like a drama fix. I think the only difference is that women can have emotional affairs without any sexual deviance being invovled. What's interesting is which is worse? I suppose you can sleep with anyone but you can't connect with just anyone. I don't know whether it would hurt more if the relationship ended because of a one night stand or because he'd built up a relationship with another girl and found happiness there instead. If he slept with someone else it would show how little he cared about me and what the relationship meant to him. Falling in love with someone else can't be helped, even though it's heartbreaking, at least it was for a good reason and not just because he wanted sex. 

Either way it's going to hurt. It's also interesting how people react differently. A friend of mine recently found out that her boyfriend of 6 six years developed feelings for another girl and kissed her. She was instantly ready to forgive him and fight for the relationship. At first he didn't want to and left her. She didn't let go though and they're currently still together, working things out. Personally I would have kicked him in the balls and told him to get out. The trust is now ruined and she'll always have in the back of her mind; is he happy? Does he really want me? When is he going to leave? Am I good enough? She's made him her whole life and that's what's wrong. She needs to be more independant and have several options of where her life is going. If he makes the decision to leave forever then she needs something to fall back on. I didn't tell her this because it wasn't called for. I told her to fight for it so at least she knew that they'd tried. I can't see it lasting for all that much longer, certainly they won't be getting married. We never suspected he'd ever do something like this. We were totally and completely shocked. When he was carrying his stuff out it reminded me of when Dad left. I had never really thought about what his behaviour had done to me, I thought nothing. I had constantly been worried about what his alcholism had left imprinted on me, not his immoral ways concerning marraige.

I believe in marraige. I assume I will get married one day, just like everyone else. I don't dream about it like most girls. I've thought about it and going to Vegas would be fun. I just want to do it on an impulse, I can't be bothered to plan it all because it'll never be exactly how I wanted it. When I marry I want it to be forever, I don't ever want to get divorced which is why I don't really want to get married. I know it won't be forever and that's what scares me. I can't do forever with one person. I hope one day I'll find someone that I want to spend forever with.

Dear Tom,

That's it. Our relationship is no longer in existance. I will not call, msg or text you. I will not contact you anymore because you obviously do not care. I'm sorry for trying to keep a friendship going; I really thought we could still be friends. I'm wrong. I guess I'll 'see you around'.

Always Love,
Cavegirl.

Dear Jono,

You're a waster. You're not in my life anymore. I mean it. I'm not going to keep in contact or even think about you. If we meet up after you finish uni then fine but apart from that, we're friends who don't see each other. Know that I loved you very much though and I'll always regret that we didn't stay close. 

Have fun,
Me.

Dear Nash,

You're mine. Let's go with it and see what happens; I promise it'll be fun no matter what. Even if it only lasts a few months at most.

Love,
Me.

I turn off lights and electrical switches whenever I remember. Also in my old house we never turned the heating on unless it was unbearable. This was more to do with money though. I'm really not into the environment.

I love City & Colour. He's writing songs and singing them in a way that my heart and brain could never put into words. I'm giving Nash up. I finally realised that no matter how hard I try it's not going to happen and it's not going to be the wonderful romance I wish it could be. Sorry, I guess. I'm not texting you back because I'm waiting for you to chase me. To show me that you actually care, to show me that you want to be around me, that you miss me. When I go back to university it'll be even harder to see each other and it'll be even harder to carry on whatever it is that we have, especially as I'm in 3rd year and you need to find a graduate job. We haven't known each other very long so a well built foundation hasn't been built either. I wish this could have worked; please believe me because I mean it. After a while I'll probably get bored though and wander off. It's not your fault and not a slight on your character; it's just me being unable to let someone get close and therefore able to hurt me. Saying this I'm desperate to text you and tell you to meet me on Monday because I miss you so much. I text Cod because it's like I still have a fallout when this goes wrong. I can't do a long distance relationship again, I'll ruin it and screw us both over. I'm so sorry. I don't know how deep you're in or how much you care where this goes but to lose you would hurt me so it's best I do it now when my heart won't break.

( Not explicit just stuff you might not want to read... )

Do you want to know something really embarrassing? I will never say this because it's just that sad lol. At the moment I'm feeling like Edward Cullen. I can read everyone else, I know what they're thinking and I know what they want from me. You are the only person I can't read. I have no idea what you're thinking and it leaves me feeling uneasy. I love it.

This is how I know you're special.

That sounds like a hippy hobby. I do not like hippies.

My travel for work is going (Travelcard) to cost about £50. This means I'm going to have to ask for help with the travel. Getting to the station as well means Mum or Dad is going to have to drive me. I can't believe this. I hate relying on them so heavily. Well they decided to have children and this is the consequence.

I have no money. I just blew about £600 in like a month. How is this possible? I am dreadful with money when I have lots. I'm thinking about getting an o2 load and go money card. I can put money on for that month and that's it. I'll put my debit card away for emergencies only. I have a month until my loan comes in. That means I have a month to go without any money. I'm going to have to stay at home until my loan comes through which is a week before term starts: 28th September. Jesus Christ. It's ok though because I've got my rent saved and if I stay at home I won't have to spend any money whatsoever. I just hate living at home. The only slight problem I have is that I want to see Nash and I can't do that on thin air. I get £20 every week from my parents so I'll just live off that. It'll be fine. As long as I get some help with my travel costs next week.

On a wayyyy more positive note I recieved a text from Nash this morning. When I thought about this I smiled because I got it at midday which means he must have been thinking about me. I think he got back yesterday. I wonder if he missed me at all? I hope he tells me something sweet. I smile when he holds my hand. I hope he initiates things more. You know I want to kiss you so what's stopping you? :) We're meeting up on Wednesday to watch Broken Embraces. I really want to see this film as I love Almodovar. I've really missed him and when I'm honest I haven't stopped thinking about him all week. I can't wait to see him :)

I have an interview for CyberCandy tomorrow. I need to go and hunt some smart trousers out to wear. I really really hope I get it because I need a job in Brighton, any litle extra money will help. It seems like a reasonable job as well, a few shifts a week, which means it'll be easy to fit around uni and stuff. My course friend also has an interview there which is weird! I hope I get it because I don't want to have to see him and find out he got it! Not that I begrudge him because he's a really nice guy. I want to work in a fun shop, something different from retail or security. I'll be able to say I've worked in The Lanes as well lol. So fingers tightly crossed!

Nick is on University Challenge tonight! Pretty cool so I'll be watching that tonight. I also need to do a bit of cleaning and packing for when I leave today. Thank God I've already got a return ticket. Phew. I'll just take some cool clothes, blazer and make up not much but I'm bound to forget something.

I keep eating. It's only out of boredom. I have like no food so I'm living off toast and crisps lol. Healthy. I'm tempted to steal a nut cutlet from the freezer. Toast is fine, I love toast. Next I'm going to go and buy food when I'm hungry instead of having loads of random stuff at home. It means I can't binge and might save me some money. It works for Nick and he's rich and skinny. So let's see if it works.

So, I went to hang out with Cod. He talks like he's got a kazoo in his mouth. It freaked me out at first. When we met I was being my usual weird awkward, cold self and I don't think I really ever warmed up. When I don't like someone back but they like me I'm kind of...well I don't really care how I come across and I don't care what they think of me. I know they like me so they're on their best behaviour not to 'put me off'. He put his arm around me and touched my hand and I went with it. When I was leaving he kissed me goodbye and I would have been more passionate but I liked leading him on. I didn't want it to come across like I was shy so when I left his house I kissed him goodbye and told him to text me with a little wave. Like I was cool or something. Which I'm just not. I randomly fell down the stairs as well :/ oh well, maybe it makes me more accessible. Anyway...when he kissed me I kept thinking 'ouch, is Nash going to like this, should I be doing this? Why am I really doing this?' It was fun don't get me wrong and I do like the fact he's in a band that's going places and he likes the kind of fun that involves drugs. Plus no one else knows him and it's not all 'pav-tavvy'. Let's just see how that one goes. I wish Nash was more 'into me'. I wish he'd contact me more and let me know how much he likes me. At least with Cod I know that he finds me attractive and I know that he likes hanging out with me. Why can't Nash be more straightforward? Argh. I'm really worried about next week when he comes back and I find out that he wants nothing to do with me. I've got a backup though so it's all good really.

I was quite wasted earlier. Stoned and drunk. I haven't done that in over a year. I miss it. Drugs are so much fun. Makes a change from the normal drunken feeling. 

My vagina.

I'm meeting up with Cod tomorrow afternoon. Well that's if he's not too busy but that doesn't really matter. Hmm...should I be doing this? I'll meet up with him and have a laugh for a few hours and it'll all be good. We'll have some fun just hanging out. Then Nash will come back and we'll see what happens. I should stop worrying so much and just go with the flow. Have a flow in London, have a flow in Brighton. Safe as.